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Friday, 06 November 2009

  • I HATE MEETINGS!

     Ok, so I am, contrary to popular belief, much too much of a trusting person....why do I believe them when they say "We just want to check in, talk a little, see if there is anything we can do to make you more comfortable"? RAH! How many times do I have to have it proven to me that is not how it works?

    Since we were going to have a boring, we-think-you-have-so-much-potential sort of a meeting; I thought the timing was perfect to ask to withdraw my membership.

    But what they really wanted to say was something entirely different.  And, No, they would not be happy to let me withdraw my membership, and No, they do not approve of the type of church I mentioned, and No, they do not think I am in a place spiritually to decide something like this.

    Besides, they can prove from the Bible that my conscience is not working. All righty. That's something I am concerned about...so, what makes you say that? "You TRIMMED your hair, and that is in the Bible in black and white." Maybe it is, if you read the Bible with a SAF filter.

    So, obviously, this isn't going to be as easy as I had hoped. And last night I was SO MAD!!!!!

    But, this morning I had some serious God time, and I am feeling more sane again. It just became really clear to me that even if I don't like, or agree with their evaluation of me; they are still tools in God's hands. And God is always right. So, if He is keeping me here a little longer, it's healthy. And, yeah, I have so much to work on. It looks a bit overwhelming.

    One huge thing I am starting to see is that if you don't make people FEEL respected, everybody loses. I think my preachers and I are on a cycle of mutual frustration, and a little respect would go a long way. But, that is never going to happen for hot-headed me, unless I invite and allow God to take over.

    Now, a slight change of subject here; on my birthday I got a card, (I love cards), and I loved the saying on the front. Here it is:

    "I think it is true what they say, Life Really Is A Journey, and sometimes it is hard to know which maps to trust, or which roads to take......but I think the best possible traveling advice is: Bring a Friend."

    Isn't that awesome? And so true. I have felt so very blessed this week to have the friends and family I do, it's humbling, and wonderful. I have incredible back-up. ;)

     

     

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

  • The other morning Mom came out of her room in a short nightie thing, and Daddy wolf-whistled. Manda and I sort of raised our eyebrows, and he said, "What? Did you SEE those legs?"...and grinned delightedly while we rolled our eyes.

     

    Kai comes into the living room after a 2 hour phone call. "How's Katrina?" we ask .

    "Beautiful," he says.

    "Anything else?"

    "She's missing me," he says cheerfully.

    Logical, cool-headed, sort-of-reserved Kai- standing there with the sappiest look ever on his face. Somehow it doesn't look ridiculous in the least.

     

    We're kneeling down for prayer at church, and Sarah pokes me.

    "What?''

    "40 days til my wedding."

    "Seriously? How cool is that?"

    "I know, I can't wait! Think, La, all the girls in the world, and I get to marry Jim."

     

    Manda's lying in bed when I come in. The expression on her face is absolute happiness.

    "Thinkin bout him, aren't you?"

    "Uh-huh.....How'd you know."

    "That look on your face."

    "Really La?" and starts singing "Love the way he loves me" (very loudly).....until we both shriek with laughter.

     

    Is it any wonder I can't get a certain song out of my head?

    "YOU LOOK SO GOOD IN LOVE....."

     

     

Monday, 21 September 2009

  • "It has been our policy in the Ambassador Fellowship not to wear shirts with contrasting buttons, especially not for church"... the bishop reads seriously. Our church has gathered to go over the standard, a delightful and unifying tradition we indulge in several times a year. I got here late, and am sitting in the back row, so I'm watching people. Some are nodding, blessed by the security of having every tiny detail of their lives decided for them, happy in the knowlege that they are completely kosher, and therefore completely godly. Some look bored. They've been doing this all their lives. It's not something they really think about anymore. A good few, mostly youth, look absolutely expressionless. They  have been hiding their feelings for so long that it has become instinctive for them to look 'blank' at occasions like this.

    ...."We have accepted utilty vehicles for work purposes only", he continues, and than pauses ."Would driving a gator to the end of a long lane to get the mail be a work purpose?'' he asks . After a little discussion they decide that would be OK. All the ministers look cheerful at having helped provide the direction we need. It's obvious they are feeling blessed by the unity and security and spiritual safety of our church. If only they were right! If only the hearts of their members were as perfect and peaceful as their expressions.

    How can they be so blind? The ministers are not stupid, they mean well, but come on!!! Behind those sweet, innocent, attentive faces are: Ben and Faith... here only until they are old enough to marry, and get out. Judy, suicidal. Anita, depressed.  Mark, miserable. And on and on and on. Some are fed up, frustrated,desperate to be free, waiting for the right moment to get out; by which time they will be so angry and reckless they will make very poor decisions.Some are leading double lives. ...breaking the standards ( and their vows) regularly and gleefully, and getting a big kick out of the whole shebang. They have almost no concept of God's view of right and wrong. Water-skiing and hard-core porn are equally sinful in their minds, because both are out-lawed in the all-important standard. Others are just sad and confused. They have a vague idea that something is not right, that they shouldn't feel so hopeless and discouraged all the time; but they figure it has a lot to do with the fact that they don't feel as submissive all the time as they ought to. After all, they have been taught from babyhood that peace and submission go hand in hand. Which is close enough to the truth to be devastatingly dangerous.

    That is the worst! Truth twisted just a tad. It is all so close to right, and it is presented as the real thing. Many of the members sincerely think it is. So people try it. It doesn't work. And they give up on God. But God is not the problem. When we get to know Him and follow the Bible, it always works. Always. It's only when we get "smarter", or "more spiritual" and start adding and taking away, that things get disastrous.

    We have 'improved' Christianity to the point that it has lost all the things that make it alive, and powerful, and life-changing, and  glorious.

    Even people who despise organized religion respect people with  Christian characteristics...integrity, humility, compassion, justice, wisdom, peace....those people make the best friends, bosses, employees, spouses.

    "If CHRIST is lifted up, He will draw all men unto himself". That is a fact. So, if our religion, personally,or as a church disgusts, frightens, discourages, or repels people, we don't have the real thing, no matter how righteous we think we are.

     

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

  • "We have noticed over and over that you are very hard to get close to. You are sweet, gracious ,and courteous, but nobody goes past a certain point. Why is that? Are you afraid of us? Is there anything we can do to change that?"

    Sitting across from my minister and his wife, at Pizza Hut, I shrug. This is supposed to be a "friendly visit". I am not guilty as far as I know. So, why do i have to use all my willpower to sit without squirming childishly? Why is it so hard to swallow? Why are my hands freezing? 

    This particular preacher is brilliant, well-studied, totally sincere, fair, and well-meaning. He is, undoubtedly smarter, more experienced, more dedicated, and better-read than I am. Why then does the church he is in charge of feel increasingly suffocating to me? Who am I to tell them they are wrong? And why give them more reason to feel I am immature and carnal by speaking my mind? How can I explain something I am not totally sure of myself?

    "I respect you very much, Robert, and I wouldn't say I am afraid of you. But, I am gone a lot, so I can see how I would seem sort of distant.'' I reply sweetly, graciously, and courteously. And promptly change the subject. He knows exactly what I am doing. His delightfully chatty, and some-what bird-brained wife does not.

    So, for the last several days I've been thinking about that a lot. Is it a good thing to keep people at a distance? Is that a sign of fear? pride? emotional independence? Is it true that it can be unselfishness that holds me back from burdening people with my life?

    Today I read a quote, and something clicked in my mind. Here's it is:" Love is giving someone your whole heart, knowing that means they now have the power to destroy your whole world, and believing that they won't."

    Duh! We know instinctively that people can not destroy what they do not own. So, if they have no place in my heart, they can't hurt it.

    The other side of that is that if you refuse to take the risk of trust-with anyone, your world is soon so small that there is not much to ruin anyway.Lol

    "Perfect love casts out fear." I am so grateful to the people in my life who love me like that. You know who you are...Thank You.

     

     

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